Due to some of my hobbies, I have also been spending some extra time in cemeteries. This caused me to start thinking more about the actual funeral processes and their resemblance to how we cope with our grief.
After a person dies, they are transported to a mortuary where their insides are removed and replaced with chemicals that preserve the body and prolong the decaying process. Their bodies are embalmed. The alternative is to cremate their bodies. Their bodies are submerged into extreme heat so that their physical bodies are reduced to ashes. This, in essence speeds up the decaying process so much so that there isn't even a process of decay. So, on one hand, we prolong the decay; and, on the other hand, we accelerate it so much that we eliminate decay from taking place.
We bury the bodies. Like we may bury our grief. Or, we spread the ashes over something memorable and sort of set the body free. This is like setting our grief free, detaching it from something we take home with us. Some of us store the ashes in a container we display on a shelf. This is similar to storing our grief and setting it on a shelf, only addressing it when it needs to be dusted or someone brings up something that reminds us of it.
So, we cope by setting our grief free, out into the wind or the sea, we keep it contained in a tiny, delicate space, or we bury it, like we bury our loved ones in the ground. Regardless, we maintain the memory of what once was and protect ourselves from acknowledging what now is.
We can't help but feel grief after a loved one passes on. We are shocked, angry, hurt, lonely, helpless, depressed. However grief hits us, we feel it. But after the funeral, after going home without our loved one, do we really process our grief and allow ourselves to feel those feelings? How does this affect us? Do we deny ourselves the ability to heal by denying ourselves the ability to grieve? I suppose the real question is, how are we denying ourselves the ability to heal by denying ourselves the ability to grieve? And, how do we begin to give ourselves the gift of healing?
I recently read a book written for children called "Coping with Death and Grief" by Marge Eaton Heegaard. It was published in 1990 but her tips for coping with grief and stress are still valuable and effective.
Her tips are mostly prompts for self care including: eating healthy and avoiding junk food, getting enough sleep, making time for exercise, trying not to worry about the future and instead focusing on today, imagining good things happening for you, taking deep breaths, and allowing yourself to feel sad if you feel sad.
Stay present with your feelings. Notice them and, after you have felt them and acknowledged them, then comes the time to self soothe. The other tip I would add for coping with grief and stress is to develop and strengthen your support system. Coping with life is hard enough without having to cope with the loss of someone you love. Talk to someone and let them know you are grieving.
Grieving is not something that you cure overnight or even cure in years. It is a healing process and as long as you remember your loved ones, you might always feel sad they are no longer with you. This is ok. This is life. The hardest part for most of us is to actually accept that we have to move on in life and proceed without them. We can. It takes time for the sadness to become manageable. But, there is sunshine at the end of the cloudy day. There are still plenty of people in the world who are living that we can share our lives with. Honor those we have lost and cherish the moments and people who are still here with us in the present.
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